The Climate Change Dictionary (with apologies to Ambrose Bierce and his Devil’s Dictionary) consists of “Definitions” and “The rules from the Climate Change Handbook”.
[Note: This is an ongoing effort which will be added to as additional definitions and rules become available.]
From Definitions are the following:
97 percent factor = The concept that anyone that has never explicitly stated they do not believe in Man-caused Climate Change actually supports the ideologue that man has caused global warming as a fact “because we say it is”, whether those so described have ever thought about the issue or not.
Al Gore = First Arch Deacon of the Church of the First Coming of the Global Warming Apocalypse.
AGW = Anthropogenic Global Warming = The belief that anthropologists make better photographed climate experts than scientists do.
Carbon Dioxide = A normally benign gas which now holds mysterious properties never before seen by science, including the capability in small proportions to both heat and cool the atmosphere which in turn causes a massive upturn in the number of unseen and unreported catastrophic weather events.
Carbon emission = Expression used by an idiot to demonstrate that they are indeed an idiot and thus know nothing of which they speak. The element carbon may combine with a number of other elements to form a huge number of compounds, i.e. carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, methane, ethane, propane, octane, and so on and so on and so on. There are a very few processes in which the end result is an emission of carbon.
Climate Change = Something the environment normally does by itself without assistance that is now required to be caused by man in order to guilt various sources into keeping the copious quantities of money flowing into the coffers of Environmental Protectionists.
Climate Models = Computer models developed to test the hypothesis that raising CO2 levels might affect the atmosphere by raising the temperature levels which are presently used to support the unproven hypothesis by consuming vast quantities of computer run time in order to transfer Garbage from the in-Queue to the out-Queue.
Denialist = Someone who refuses to sing with the Choir of the Church of the First Coming of the Global Warming Apocalypse.
Denialism = The act that someone who performs the heresy of rational thought engages in.
EPA = Environmental Protection Agency = Government agency hijacked by members of the various Environmental Protectionist Organizations in order to funnel copious quantities of taxpayer funds into the coffers of the various Environmental Protectionist Organizations in order to keep the founders of said organizations living at the levels of means to which they have become accustomed.
Fossil Fuels = The substances whereby the class of rich Environmental Protectionists become even richer while protesting the use of by the poorer classes.
Hockey stick = The reason Arch Deacon Al Gore walks in such a stiffly upright position.
“An Inconvenient Truth” = Book by Al Gore = A work of Great Fiction (in stark contrast to a Great work of Fiction) masquerading as a non-fiction scientific tome wherein the nearest approach to the truth is constrained to the title.
IPCC = Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change = A panel consisting of individuals with minor mental capacity and major egos instigated with the purpose of determining the cause of Climate Changing beyond that of normal ordinary seasons in order that the remainder of mankind can be found to be in dire error and guilty of partaking in a criminal involvement against nature so as to be cajoled into paying for all imaginary misdeeds done since the start of the Industrial age, the volume of payment yet to be determined beyond that of the amount remaining which may yet be extracted from the pockets of ordinary men and women by way of their governments, less of course that amount remaining in Governmental coffers after having been extracted by way of taxes, dues, fines and fees. A pseudo scientific organization on par with those who perform the art of the séance and astrology, their purpose is to stamp unbelievable rubbish with the lexicon of authority so as to become believable to the ones whose pockets are being picked in order to pay the salaries of those doing the picking and the salaries of those encouraged to develop the rubbish delivered to the panel to stamp with their authority, as well as any family, friends or acquaintances who have participated in this folly as well as any family friend or acquaintance who would have liked to have participated. At no time is any actual participation in scientific research allowed since such research would be counterproductive to the objectives desired by the panel to be achieved which is in primary the spending of copious quantities of money for the purpose of determining how it can be demonstrated that any normal and otherwise ordinary change in climate must in fact be an undesirable consequence of some act of mankind.
Missing Heat = The mythical rise in atmospheric temperatures predicted by poorly constructed computer models which has been mysteriously misplaced by an environment that never knew it was supposed to accumulate it in the first place.
Peer Review = The process whereby any paper written that addresses Climate Change in a positive manner is reviewed by selected individuals sworn to be impartial despite their preferred favorable beliefs regarding Climate Change in order to promulgate its swift publication while any paper which is negative toward Climate Change is reviewed by the same uniquely impartial reviewers in order to guarantee its publication once the Sun has gone nova.
Settled Science = “We don’t know what we are talking about but we do know we are not going to let anyone disagree with us.”
Solar cells = Expensive devices to provide some power at times when it is needed the least and little power when it is needed the most.
Solar thermal power plants (i.e. Ivanpah) = Multi-billion dollar in-flight avian solar cookers and aircraft pilot blinding devices which cannot operate without burning copious amounts of natural gas.
The Pause = “Who, us? Hell no we aren’t wrong.”
Wind turbines = All new and thoroughly improved Bird Whackers that require as much or more standby power to operate than what they generate on their own.
The Rules from the Climate Change Handbook:
Rule no.1 Argument supporting Climate Change is the sign of mental acuity and a superior moral position whereas argument against Climate Change is a sign of mental deficiency and moral depravity.
Corollary to Rule no.1 Data supporting Climate Change is sacrosanct and above suspicion whereas data that does not support Climate Change is automatically suspect and immediately subject to question and disparagement.
Rule no.2 Climate Change Researchers are extremely competent and are ingrained with immaculate ethics whereas any researcher who reports findings against Climate Change is automatically an incompetent possessing all the ethics of a starving alley rat.
Rule n0.3 When there is a half imagined tenuous link between any possible weather event and Climate Change, the media is to report the worst possibly conceived consequence as if it were a totally factual outcome.
1st Corollary to Rule no.3 If the possibility of the weather event and Climate Change happening is HALVED, then the media is to DOUBLE the volume at which the potential catastrophe is announced.
2nd Corollary to Rule no.3 The more the above announcement is ignored, the more often it is to be repeated.
Rule no.4 Any error in data supporting Climate Change as caused by man regardless of magnitude is automatically and by definition trivial and of no consequence, whereas any error in data contradicting Climate Change as caused by man regardless of how trivial or of no consequence is automatically and by definition of such degree that it completely negates itself.